


Past the Point of No Return

by fairychangeling



Category: Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Decisions, Dark Loki (Marvel), Dark Magic, Forbidden Love, Ghosts, Good Loki (Marvel), Gothic Romance, Horror, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Past Character Death, Past Lives, Protective Thor (Marvel), Rebirth, Talking To Dead People, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-03-30 14:16:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13953351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairychangeling/pseuds/fairychangeling
Summary: Loki does not remember anything from before Thor found him.Thor tells him that he will heal, that his memories will return to him, but he refuses to tell Loki of their past together.Loki is left struggling to piece together what he once was.There is something rotten in Asgard, something evil there that Thor will not speak of, something that wants Loki for its own.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by The Phantom of The Opera.
> 
> Loki would both be the terrorised ingénue and the phantom. He’s just that good. 
> 
> (and would like to fuck himself.)

Loki knelt in the snow, his fingers brushing over the rune-stone. 

It should not have surprised him that it was as cold as it was. It was only stone after all, stone now speckled with frost, but it was Frigga's stone. She had always been so warm in life that Loki had expected her grave maker to be the same. He swallowed back the lump in his throat. His mother had been dead for years, for longer than Loki could remember. His memories of her were ethereal - the sound of her laughter, the smell of her skin, the warmth of her arms when she held him. They vanished as soon as Loki tried to grasp hold of them. 

He could not remember what she had laughed at, or why he had needed her to hold him. 

His memory would return one day. Thor had promised that it would. 

Loki had been dealt a grave injury before Thor had found him. His body was strong, but his mind had been hurt. There were great swathes of his memory missing, whole decades gone. Loki was having to relearn so much, to find himself and his footing in Asgard again. Everything was new, but at the same time so much of it was familiar that it made Loki's heart ache. 

His feet had known the path to the Tumulus even if Loki had not. 

The snow fall had been heavy, covering every landmark that could have guided him, but Loki had come on instinct. He had known the path to his mother's grave marker. 

"Mother," he murmured, reaching to brush the snow from the carving. 

He did not know what he planned to do now he was here. It had seemed the most natural thing to want to seek her out, to gain her council, but what he had found was a stone. There could be no guidance or love from a grave. 

He should have gone to Thor, but so much of what troubled him had to do with Thor. 

"I do not know what I am doing," he admitted, sitting back on his haunches. "I must sound mad, talking to you, but I can't talk to Thor. He's trying his hardest, but I know he is holding back with me. He is fearful of overwhelming me. He says my memories will come back in time, but it has been months and I still only remember a handful of things."

It was hard to talk like this, to speak to the great expanse of the snow and ice, the sky and his mother's gravestone. They was no audience, no one that cared. Loki found it harder to speak like this, when it was only him and his thoughts. 

He waited for a long moment, wondering if he would hear his mother's voice in his head, if he would recall some useful advice she had given him once, but he could not even remember how she sounded. He heard only the howl of the wind. 

"This would be so much easier if I could remember," he said angrily. "I could just cast an illusion and let it parrot back what I needed to hear, but I can't even do that."

He could not remember what his mother looked like. It was all lost to him. 

He sat in the snow in silence, breathing deeply. He had hoped coming here would trigger something inside him, but his past was still a mystery. There had been no great revelation, no moment when the puzzle that had been his mind was pieced back together. He was as lost as when he arrived.

"And then there is Thor," he said after the longest time had past. "He says we are brothers, but the way he looks at me sometimes, I do not believe it. I catch him staring at me with such longing. When he touches me it's always innocent but I know he wants more and I want it too. My body knows him, even if I don't."

There was nothing concrete he could point to, no proof, but Loki was certain he was not imagining what he felt. It was not just the heavy looks and the careful touches. There were other things too, things Thor said that hinted at a shared past that went deeper than brotherly devotion. It was vexing that Thor would not just tell him what they had been to each other, but no doubt Thor thought he was being noble. This would be another of those things he thought would overwhelm Loki.

"He should just fuck the memories back into me and be done with it," Loki said with a snort. 

There was a rustle behind him and Loki turned his head sharply in the direction of the sound. 

It was only a raven perched on another of the grave-makers. This one was smaller than the others, cruder. It stood alone, separate from the others. It had no clear rune carvings like Frigga's monument or the others. Either it was so old that the markings had been weathered away by the rain and snow or it belonged to someone who did not deserve the full regalia of the royal family. 

Loki wondered who it belonged to. 

The raven cocked its head to one side, watching him from beady black eyes and Loki found himself uncomfortable under its gaze. There was something too human in those eyes. He felt the bird was listening to everything he said and that it understood the words. 

He got to his feet, dusting off the snow that stuck to his legs. 

"I am going now," he announced, although he did not know if he was speaking to the raven or to his mother's grave. 

Ravens had not been her animal, had they? Loki tried to remember, but he could not. He had only emotion to rely on and he did not believe this knowing, uncanny bird was a emissary of his mother's spirit. He was not soothed by this creatures arrival, he was startled by it, unnerved. 

He trudged back down the Tumulus, following the path of the footprints he had left on his way up, and he glanced over his shoulder as he went, aware the raven was still watching him. It did not look away, fixed on him and Loki suppressed a shudder. 

He had thought he would find it easier to speak with an audience, but the arrival of that raven had silenced his tongue. 

"Loki!" 

The raven flapped its wings, startled by the shout, and took off into the sky. Loki watched it until it vanished into the treeline.

"Loki!" the call came again, more insistent this time.

Thor was searching for him. 

Loki considered staying silent, slinking back to the palace hidden from Thor's sight, but he could not find a reason to do such a thing. Thor had not displeased him and it was clear from his voice that he was anxious. Loki did not want to cause him anymore undue fear. 

"I am here, Thor!" Loki called back and in a very few moments his brother appeared, striding over the snow in a great hurry. 

"You were not in your room when I went to wake you and no one knew were you had gone," he said, his stern but Loki knew it was only worry. 

Thor seemed to be constantly worrying after him. Loki supposed it was to do with his injury. 

Thor would not tell him what had caused the injury. He was concerned only with Loki's recovery. It had been enough for Thor that he had been able to find Loki on Midgard and bring him home. He did not seem at all concerned with revenge, of hunting down any enemy who had dealt Loki such a terrible injury. Indeed, he was focused instead on keeping Loki close to him, on ensuring his brother was never out of his sight for long. 

Whatever had happened to Loki, it had caused him life-changing harm. He could not begrudge Thor his desire to protect, but he did find himself disliking Thor's insistence on knowing his every movement. He was certain that, whatever they had been before the injury, Thor had not kept such a tight grip on him. Loki would not have allowed it. 

"Are you cold?" Thor asked, coming to a stop in front of Loki, looking him over for any sign that he was hurt.

Thor was dressed warmly in boots and furs, covered from head to toe to shield him from the bitter cold. Loki was in his tunic and leggings. He had not even put boots on. The shoes he wore on his feet were the slippers from his bedroom. 

Even so, Loki did not feel the cold. 

"I am fine," he said.

Thor sighed. He unclasped his fur cloak and drew it around Loki's shoulders, ignoring the protesting noises Loki made. 

"Why are you here in the snow? Why did you wonder so far away from the palace without me?" 

"I came to visit our mother's grave," Loki said.

Thor looked at him hopefully.

"You remember her?" 

"No," Loki answered truthfully. "But I knew how to come here and I wanted to be close to her."

Thor nodded. He reached out with one great hand and squeezed Loki's shoulder tightly.

"You will remember one day. She loved you very much. You were her favourite."

Loki furrowed his brow, frowning.

"That does not sound right," he said.

Thor laughed.

"You always did refuse to believe it," he said, smiling fondly. 

His smile was so beautiful that it caught Loki's breath in his throat. He was overcome with the desire to kiss Thor and he stepped forward to do so, pressing his hands to Thor's chest and leaning into him. It was the most natural thing, his body following through the motion he must have done so many times in the past. 

Thor looked at him with wide eyes, grabbing hold of his shoulders to stop Loki in his path. 

"What are you doing?" he asked, looking over his face with deep concern.

Loki scowled.

"I am going to kiss you."

Thor's gaze dropped to his lips and Loki knew he wanted it. He wanted Loki's kisses. This thing was not a one-sided desire, not something Loki felt on his own, but something Thor shared equally. 

"Tell me what we are to each other," he pressed.

"Loki," Thor said warningly. "We are brothers."

"Brothers who know each other intimately," Loki observed, enjoying the way colour rose in Thor's cheeks at this words, the confirmation that Loki needed. "My body hungers for you, Thor. It knows your touch."

"No," Thor said firmly, forcing Loki away from him, holding him at arms length. 

"Is it because I don't remember? You want me to feel something more than simple desire for you?" Loki asked. "What did we share, Thor? Was it lust or love? Why won't you tell me?" 

"Because I do not want to force this on you, Loki."

"You are not forcing me when I am the one coming to you, Thor!" 

Thor stared at him, his blue eyes wide and then he pulled Loki to him. 

The kiss was rough, Thor's beard scratching at his skin, Thor's fingers gripping him hard enough to leave bruises. Loki melted into it. This felt like coming home to him. Nothing else felt as right as this did. He did not need his mind to remember this, he only needed his body to and it responded happily to Thor's touches. 

Overhead the raven circled, watching them.

If Loki had not been so disturbed by its presence, he might have paid closer attention to the rune-stone it had sat on. He might have knelt in the snow there and brushed away the frost. He might have traced his fingers over the words that had been carved by trembling hands, the words that were so faint they could not been seen by the eye. 

He might have knelt there and known it was his own grave he knelt on.


	2. Chapter 2

_His bed mate was not Thor._

 

_The legs tangled with his were too slender, the hands on him too soft and delicate._

 

_The marks their lips left behind burned his skin._

 

_There was pleasure in their love making, but also pain. The man - and Loki knew with certainty that it was a man - clawed at him with blunt, broken nails, leaving great welts in Loki's skin. It felt as if he wanted to rip Loki open and climb inside him._

 

_Loki found he welcomed it, welcomed every bite and scratch and he spread his legs to usher his bed mate closer, to let the man inside him the only way he knew._

 

_They slotted together, pressed chest to chest and Loki saw clearly who his bed mate was._

 

_The man who's kisses had burned him was himself._

 

 

**

 

Loki woke with a start, breathing heavily.

 

He looked around himself, at his own room and his own things, trying to find a sense of normality.

 

He had dreamed of making love to himself, if you could call the things Loki had allowed to be done to himself in that dream making love. 

 

Loki believed in dreams, in the knowledge of the unconscious mind and the prophetic visions dreams could bring, but he could not make sense of this dream. It was disturbing. He understood the desire for two halves to be made whole, could easily imagine that he had given shape and form to the memories he had not yet unlocked, but the ferociousness of his double was what frightened him. 

 

What did that double represent? What memory was locked away, so painful, that when Loki gave it shape and form it tried to hurt him? 

  
And why in his dream had he welcomed that pain? 

 

He swallowed thickly, not wanting to think too much on it and crawled from his bed.

 

He went to his wash basin and poured some cool water into it from the jug kept by the side.  Loki stood for a moment, regarding himself critically in the mirror which hung above the basin.

  
He looked exhausted. His cheeks were hollow, his hair lank and his eyes dark ringed. Hardly the beautiful man he knew himself to be. He was not sleeping properly and that robbed him of some of his glory. The rest could be put right with a trip to the bathing pools later or a simple spell now. 

 

Loki snapped his fingers and smiled. His hair now slicked back, his dark circles covered, he looked much more alive. He could do nothing about his gauntness, but the palace cooks were skilled in their field. Their handwork would help him. 

 

"I should dress and have breakfast," he muttered to himself. "And find Thor."

 

He bent to the basin and splashed his face, trying to wash away not only sleep but the memory of his bad dream.

 

He would not tell his brother of the dream. Thor would only worry and Loki was growing tired of being fussed over. He would seek out Thor instead to put new memories in place of the old ones. He would replace the burning kisses with loving ones, would tangle himself with Thor's wide, strong body and let Thor hold him. Thor, for all his strength, was so gentle with him. It thrilled Loki to have Thor like that, so powerful but repressing it to give Loki instead all the care Thor thought he deserved. 

 

Sweet, gentle Thor. Perhaps he would finally fuck Loki today.

 

Loki turned away from his basin, but as he turned he caught a glimpse of his back in the mirror.

 

All down his back there were scratch marks. They were faint, the lightest pink, made by something without the power to inflict more damage, but they were there as sure as day. 

 

Just as they had been in his dream.

 

**

 

Loki did not want to admit to being unsettled. He was a prince, a powerful magic user. There was nothing that could harm him within the walls of Asgard. Yet he still felt nervous. He could not find a rational explanation for the marks on his skin. The closest he could come was that he had scratched himself in his sleep, but even that did not completely satisfy him. Surely if he had done that, the marks would not have been so perfectly vertical. They would not have run the length from his shoulders down to the small of his back. 

 

The first spell Loki had done was simple. He had sought out signs of another's power. Perhaps the dream was not a dream. Incubus invaded sleeping men's minds. Loki was not sure how such a creature could hide itself in Asgard, but there was always the possibility. He cast his spell and sighed when he detected no other magic than his own. 

 

For a moment he considered Thor, but he dismissed that from his mind as soon as he imagined it. Thor would not want to sneak into his bed when Loki was asleep. The thought was monstrous and so completely at odds with his brother that Loki felt angry with himself for ever having entertained the idea, even if for a moment.

 

His second spell was cast around his door frame. It was harder, drawing on the memories of an inanimate object, asking the wooden door to remember when it last opened and closed, but with some coaxing Loki found his answers. He was convinced that the only time they door had opened that last night had been to let him enter. No one else had disturbed him.

 

He forgot about bathing, forgot about breakfast. This puzzle frustrated him and he knew he would not care about anything else until he solved it. 

 

Someone or something had been with him last night. It had left it's marks on his skin and evaded his spells. Loki needed to know what had been powerful enough to do that. 

 

He had walls of books in his room, a research library for his potions and spells. He collected the book he wanted, one on dangerous creatures, and settled himself by the window. There would be something in the book, he was certain, which would point towards a creature that could attack him in such a way.

 

He devoured the words on the page, scanning through quickly, skipping those he already knew by heart. This had to be something obscure, something that Loki had never faced before. He found one or two possible prospects, engrossed in the book and in the driving need he had to unravel this mystery.

 

He was not so engrossed though that he did not hear his door opening. 

 

He jumped up, holding his book up in front of him as if it was a shield. 

 

The door opened further still, letting in one of the maids. Her arms were full of linens and Loki suddenly felt very foolish. He was not usually in his rooms at such an hour, he was usually in the library or with his brother. He did not know the routine of the palace, but obviously there was one. There were always new sheets on his bed each night. His room was always aired and the fireplace swept before a new fire was lit for the night. These things happened out of sight. Quietly a whole army of servants worked to ensure that the palace ran as it should. 

 

He coughed delicately to alert her to his presence. 

 

The maid froze in place like a startled rabbit, her eyes wide. She looked as if she'd seen a ghost. 

 

She had not been expecting him, that was evident.

 

"I am interrupting you," he said kindly, setting his book down. "Let me leave and you can do your job in peace."

 

He thought that would pacify her, but she only shrank back. He took a few steps towards her, bewildered, and the maid dropped the new sheets, turning and fleeing through the open chamber door. 

 

"Wait!" Loki called, rushing to the door but she was running down the long corridor and he knew she would not stop.

 

"What are you doing, brother?" came Thor's voice from behind him and Loki turned to see Thor striding down the corridor towards him. "What jokes are you playing now to make my maids run from you?" 

 

Thor's words were teasing, but his eyes that assessed Loki were full of jealousy.

 

"I did nothing, certainly nothing that you are imagining," Loki said hotly, his cheeks flushing unpleasantly. 

 

He would not steal kisses from the servants. Between the two of them, he was certain it was Thor who would be so forward, who would think nothing of making love to the wench who changed his bedding. Loki did not hunger after pretty maids. He hungered for the muscle and strength of a man. He hungered for Thor. 

 

"All I did was offer to leave the room so she could clean it," He continued. "I think she was afraid of me, Thor. I didn't startle her. She looked...she looked at me as if I was a snake and she were a mouse I had cornered."

 

He looked up at Thor, hoping to see some answers there, but Thor was only smiling at him. 

 

"Loki, you are being fanciful."

 

"Why will none of your servants come near me? Why do they flee before me? Was I a cruel master?" Loki pressed. 

 

There had to be something in it. Loki was not imposing. He was not a great mountain of a man like Thor was. He should not be so terrifying that servants would abandon their posts rather than have to deal with him. He had thought that the palace servants were simply efficient, working in the shadows, but now he felt that they were avoiding him on purpose. 

 

"Loki, you have always enjoyed your tricks. I am sure it was simply that. She did not want to fall victim to your little pranks," Thor said.

 

His explanation did nothing to soothe Loki. He could not believe it was anything as innocent as Thor made it out to be, but he also knew that he would be unable to pry more information from his brother. Thor was reluctant to speak about the past and Loki felt instinctively that Thor would not tell him if he had been cruel. He would want to shield Loki from such things. It was infuriating. 

 

Loki could never really recover if he did not know everything. 

 

"If you say so, brother," he said, deciding that he did not care to have this fight now. 

 

He had fought too often with Thor about his memories and Thor had remained firm in his desire for Loki to recover without his interference. Loki knew he would not convince that resolve to crumble today. 

 

"You did not come down to breakfast," Thor said softly, reaching to take Loki's hand. "Are you hungry?"

 

Loki shook his head. 

 

He did not wish to eat. He was preoccupied with more important things than food. 

 

He was still unnerved from the night before. He would not have cared so much about the maid if he were not already on the edge. He gripped Thor's hand tightly for a moment and then dropped it, wondering if he could trust Thor with his theory. 

 

There was no one he trusted more than Thor and no one else in Asgard he could turn to. He had only Thor to voice his suspicions to and Thor had promised to care for him, to protect him. If Loki was right, if there was a creature coming to him in his dreams, then Thor would want to know. 

 

"I think there is something in my room, a creature," Loki said after a long moment. "I had a dream last night and this morning there were scratches on my back." 

 

He hated the way the words sounded as they came from his mouth, how like a story they were. The facts that Loki knew to be true seemed unbelievable when he spoke them out loud. 

 

Thor regarded him impassively for a moment and then shook his head. 

 

"Loki, you are being irrational," he said firmly. "There are no creatures in your room." 

 

Loki clenched his fists. 

 

"Do not say that."

 

"Would you rather I said hysterical?" Thor asked.

 

Loki felt red hot anger flood through him. 

 

He was reaching out to Thor for support and Thor dismissed him. Thor, who was supposed to love him, who was supposed to be his protector. If Thor would only help him, would only reveal the truth of his memories, then Loki  was sure he wouldn't be in such a state. He wouldn't feel as vulnerable as he did now. 

 

Something in his room was praying on him, on his sleeping mind and Thor would not even help him. 

 

"Do not call me that!" he cried. 

  
"What else should I call you? You are being hysterical, Loki."

 

Loki slapped him.

 

The sound echoed down the hallway and Loki drew back with a gasp.

 

"Thor, I'm sorry. I didn't...Oh Thor."

 

He had only wanted Thor to stop, to not use that word. 

 

Thor's eyes flickered to meet his and Loki saw fear in them. It shocked him. 

 

Why would Thor - strong, glorious Thor - be afraid of him?

 

"Thor," he said again pleadingly, twisting his fingers together. 

 

"It is fine," Thor said quickly, "I should not have teased you when you were upset."

 

Loki shook his head. It was not fine. He knew he had not truly hurt Thor, even now the mark was fading, but it was the fear in Thor's eyes that he could not forget. 

 

Today he had made two people afraid of him and Loki did not know why. 

 

"Come, kiss it better and I will forgive you," Thor said, offering his cheek for the kiss.

 

Loki stood on his toes to kiss Thor's cheek, feeling the heat of his own hand print on his brother's skin. 

 

"I am sorry," he said.

 

Thor's arms encircled him and for the first time since he had seen the scratches on his skin, Loki felt safe. 


End file.
